It's as Clear as Milk or Not
by RoPete
Summary: Why is Luna pink? Why is there a caterpillar with a hooka? How did James turn in to the Pillsbury Dough Boy and why is McGonagall imagining Albus in a thong? And what does Merlin have to do with this? Please read and find out! RR
1. Chapter 1

It's Clear as Milk (or Not)

An: First disclaimer no this is and was never ours except for the plot bunny.

So this story is a little well… crazy sometimes. We, meaning **aspiringauthor27 **and I, started writing this normal lovely HHr story when grandma gave us a snack of milk and cheese and cracker. After that _our_ cheese slipped off _our _crackers for a little bit and this story when downhill. We don't know what grandma put in the milk but this is the result. Enjoy!

* * *

Walking through the mass of students, Hermione pushed pass the tear stained faces. The crowd thinned as she pass Professor McGonagall.

"Will the pain ever end for these two?" Minerva wondered silently. Her two favorite students crushed by another hard blow, "The poor dears!"

Hermione finally reached Harry. He still sat by their beloved Headmaster's broken body. Falling to her knees behind the raven-haired boy she leaned her head on his back and wraps her arms around his waist giving him the comfort the silence boy was in despair need of.

"He's gone." Harry breathed. "He's dead, died for a fake, because of a traitor." He showed her the locket. To see her boyfriend like this, hurt like nothing else. Behind the two Minerva produced her wand raising it straight up, she still gazed at the two lost children and her late friend and whispered, "Lumos Maximus!"

The students, teachers and Order members followed suit. The result was a bright, blinding light shooting in the midnight sky destroying the Dark Mark residing there. Whispered memories surfaced in older minds of Albus' lasting words, 'Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light!'

The light slowly faded away but left a resounding feeling of hope in the crowd. Minerva noticed her cubs were missing but looking in the distance she found them entering the bloodstained castle, she followed.

Once in the Ancient Castle the two Gryffindors hurried to their common room. Collapsing on the overstuffed couch Harry's head didn't even hit the cushion before he was asleep dreaming of cotton candy stuffed bunnies. The brunette sat down next to him and in feeling her presences he wiggled his head into her lap, just like he had wiggled his way into her heart. Giggling at his silliness Hermione began running her fingers through his messy blood matted locks. Behind them a pink Luna walked in humming good ship lollipop.

"Hey Luna"

"Hello Mrs. Star-Puppy" Luna walked off.

"Ms. Granger?" called McGonagall as she stepped in the common room.

"Over here!" Hermione whispered. Minerva walked over, squeaking with each step in her fluffy purple bunny slippers. She sat down across from the pair.

"Sleeping on the job again," the girl joked.

" Yes like most men but well, He deserves it." she paused, "Listen the Ministry will be swarming this place like honey bees on pollen within the next two hours at most, you two need to get out of here to the Burrow or somewhere safe. If fact not the Burrow, Harry will be hounded and in a lot of danger. I don't know Voldemort's plans but he could have anything up his horrible oversized clown sleeves."

"Right Professor." Slowly getting up so as not to wake Harry, Hermione did the bunny hop up the girl's staircase her mentor quickly following.

"You'll need this." handing Hermione a coin purse. Confusion swept through the young girls face.

"Expansion charm?"

"Undetectable Expansion Charm." smirked the elder witch. Hermione grinned nodding. "You will also need this."

"A thong? Professor I don't mean to be rude but…"

"Nonsense, it's a portkey. Albus was in a... creative mood when he made this. I believe them not to be used." The Scot grimaced imagining Albus wearing the piece of clothing. That was as bad as imagining Hagrid in a pink tutu dancing to Swan Lake.

"Got to love Professor Dumbledore." Hermione smiled. McGonagall sat on one of the extra beds played the bagpipes, as the young witch finished packing before heading down to start Harry's room. McGonagall then inform Hermione of the safe houses, good contacts and medical supplies and food stashes scattered around the country. Also a fully stocked medi-pack ("With fully stocked potion kit including the contraceptive potion" she winked) and emergency tent were in the purse.

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs the women hugged. A green chicken ran by chased by pink lion. They stopped in the corner by the caterpillar smoking a hookah.

"Wanna tried it?" the caterpillar intoned to the two animals

"Well that's it." sighed Minerva released the girl. "Hermione be careful, please. And keep that Potter of yours alive and kick'in. At least till he gives you a kid or two!"

"I will" walking over to a still sleeping Harry, Hermione grabbed his limp hand and activated the portkey "Magical Monkey Butt".

The last thing she heard whispered from her mentor was, "Save the world Ms. Granger, Save the world." before she sat down and started playing the bagpipes again as the three animal smoked and danced.

* * *

Harry awoke to the smell of decaying leaves, tree sap and caramel corn?

"What the bloody…"he grumbled sitting up on a cot, inside a tent? "Ron? Hermione? Yogi! Anyone!"

"Hi Harry-Bear!" Chirped Hermione as she skipped in through the tent flap.

"Where are we? Why aren't we at Hogwarts?"

"McGonagall suggested and I agreed that it would have been dangerous to stay there what with the nargles loose, the Ministry coming and who knows what else Voldie-stupid-butt has planned!" she rushed around the tent setting things up, putting on water for tea, and checking Harry and the frog before sitting down at the kitchenette table, dropping the purse on it's surface. A great boom sounded from inside it.

"Oh no, that'll be the books"

"Okay but what about Ron? Or supplies? What books? And what's with the frog?"

"Ron is expected within the week and as for supplies and book… right here," she pointed to the tiny bag on the table. "The frog came with the tent and tells me he won't leave without his wife Betsy the Bovine. He showed me a picture quite a nice looking cow."

Harry gave her a look of 'Have you lost your mind?' He looked at the frog who wore a top hat and tails, it pull out a wallet and picture of his… wife. He smiled slightly at the green amphibian.

She rolled her eyes before she turned and put her hand into the bag, "The plan… Ouch!" he watched wide eyed as her whole arm sunk into the bag.

"Ah Hermione…?"

"Hold the Floo! Almost got it… come to… momma! Gotcha! Yes! NO! I don't need a rubber chicken right now, damn! No, Don't want the skele-grow… Maybe No, Let's try again… yes, that's it… right there, that the spot, Oh God, Oh Merlin, Oh Come on! Just little more! Right there! Please! Oh my ugh… Oh thank god I really did not want to have - Shit that's not it! Who packs a whoopee cushion! I really don't want to dump this puppy out… wait… Gotcha! Shit, I dropped it, wait… got it!"

"Um Hermione… you just swore. You never swear!" The brown- eyed girl sweetly grinned at him.

"Just because you've never hear me doesn't mean I don't swear," she winked. "Any-whose this is the animagus potion, no wait that's the tea-leaf bottle… this is the potion. We drink it and go into a trance to find our inner animals then start training. We need to start early so when Ron arrives we can help him."

"Right boss" Hermione uncorks the vial and poured it into two glasses equally before handing it to Harry.

"Well bottoms up, I guess" He grimaced. Downing the puce liquid they both passed out. As the haze of sleep swam through Hermione's mind she heard a loud piercing whistle,

"Oh Shit the tea! Pretty rainbow…"

* * *

"Why is it lately I never wake up in my own bed but the forest or…" Harry sat up and looked around, "a jungle?"

The sounds of rushing water caught his attention. Standing to walk a distance he soon found the source, a mighty river carved its way through the rouge land. To his left he spotted a gushing waterfall. Coming closer to the river's edge he kneel on her banks, he can see his face in the reflective water, nothing out of place. Cupping his hands he drinks from the river suddenly thirsty. Again sound rips his attention to the unknown, turning he comes face to face with a midnight black panther with a white patch above it's right eye, a lightening blot!

Stalk still Harry stares as the huge feline wandered closer. Suddenly it leaps into the air and lands in Harry's lap a tiny kitten. Surprise floods Harry as darkness consumes him once more…

* * *

"Fresh grass always smells so wonderful after a rainstorm." Hermione thought. Sitting up she found herself in the middle of a luscious green meadow with sprigs of lupines in their purple majesty.

"So beautiful," she whispered to the wind. Surrounding the green lake of grass is a thick handsome forest, dark yet comforting? From the trees shade a shape bounded into the field. It rushed the clam girl slowing a few meters out, it stared. Hermione carefully study the animal. It was a brownish-red in color with a delicate feline frame but she could see the power and strength ready to attack if scared or challenged.

"You're a lynx! I'm a Lynx!" Hermione squealed. The girl would swear the cat then smiled before nodding. It started forward climbing into the brunette's lap. A bright white light engulfed the two…

"I don't think that was supposed to happen." the Gryffindor girl thought as she landed gently in a sea of white.

She stood statue still although not by her own accord, she couldn't move, couldn't breathe or even talk. A voice rang out in the stillness. It sounded a lot like McGonagall even used her words,

"Save the world Ms. Granger."

Another voice deep and masculine sounded behind her. She desperately tried to turn.

"You know your destiny…Let not fear stand in your path! Overcome such obstacles… Never feel lonely… Help is never far… Seek what is hidden!"

"Okay Mr. Oz!" And as suddenly as she had arrived she then disappeared…

"Now where am I?" she pondered, trotting around a stone corner she realizes two thing one she at Hogwarts and two she's in her animal form. Forcing herself back into her human form, she faints from over taxing her magic…

* * *

"Oh crap!" Harry thought as he felt invisible bonds holding him. The silence was unnerving. His body on fire from the panic he felt. Water dripped down his face as he realized whatever had bonded him was now gone. He finds himself back by the river with the waterfall. But now he is in the river and the falls was dumping gallons of water on his head. Getting out from under the natural shower head and on to the river's bank he saw the jungle surround him and the sky darken into a foreboding style while the stars peeked out wanting to play.

Padding over to the water again Harry looks down at his reflection only to see the midnight black panther with the white lightning bolt patch stare back at him. And without his wand he couldn't change back.

"Hermione will find me." was his last thought before succumbing to a deep relaxing sleep.

* * *

"I'll get you Black!" Screamed a voice as footsteps pounded closer.

"Only if you catch-Aghhhh!" Black yelled as he fell over a lying form as his best friend James, dressed as the Pillsbury dough boy, swung around the corner. "Bloody Hell!"

"Sirius don't swear!" chastised the red headed girl who followed behind James in a coconut bra and grass skirt and another boy with sandy brown hair, wearing a pink toga, named Remus. A groan was expelled from the figure. Long wavy brown hair covered the figure's face and most of its back and chest.

James stupidly asks as Lily tries to turn them back to normal, "What is it?"

"What never seen one before?" chimed raven- haired Sirius. "It's a human you dolt!" kneeling next the person he careful brushed some of the silky locks finding it matted with dirt and even what looked like blood in the brunette hair, sweeping the hair back he finally found a face.

"It's a girl!" exclaimed Remus like he had never seen a one before. He finally got the toga to revert back to his uniform.

"What am I chopped liver?" Stated the redhead swinging to face the werewolf. Her coconuts bounced and banged.

"No Lily-Flower, you're a cupcake with diamonds on top." chirped her boyfriend, James, who stared at her coconuts.

"Um, who taught you how to cook, James? Cause that just sound painful." grimaced Remus. Lily smacked James before she changed her clothes back.

"One girl at a time Prongs." Sirius barked from the floor. "Let's focus on trying to help this one."

"I'd rather focus on Lily."

"Of course you would James but can we focus on the problem at hand first?" asked the weary werewolf. Remus changed James back to normal finally.

"Oh my bloody sodding head!" groaned the girl on the floor. "How in Merlin's saggy left buttocks am I here?"

Sirius smirks up at Lily, "and you yell at me for cursing." The girl opened her eyes more to study the people around her,

"Oh no, Am I dead?!" she squealed only seeing Sirius, James and Lily.

"Ahh, no." chuckled Sirius.

"But you three ARE!" the girl screeched sitting up.

"Where am I? What happen? When am I?" she calmed a little upon seeing Remus knowing now that she wasn't dead but maybe…

Remus is the one to answer, "You're at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's October 3, 1977 and you are currently sitting on the 3rd floor claiming to be dead."

"Good summary Moony" smirked James.

On the floor Hermione mumbles something like "Fluffy" gently smiling before standing and becoming panicked again.

"Shit Mother of Merlin's dripping nose hairs I'm going to be in trouble. Wait where's Harry!?" She spins searching their faces and the corridor.

"I'll be your Harry, babe." flirts Sirius trying his signature smolder on the poor girl. Scowling, Hermione slapped him.

"Over Godric's hidden sword you will and that's not the goblin made one."

"James!" James hands Sirius a flask. Sirius takes a drink before handing it to Hermione; she takes a swing of the fire whiskey.

Once again Sirius looked at Lily, "Maybe now you'll stop jumping down my throat about swearing."

"Shut it, Sirius!" Lily turned to the brunette, "Who are you? I don't believe we've met and I don't recognize you from any classes, houses or years."

"Me? I'm… Hermione…" Hermione quickly thought of a last name. She suddenly thought of the white light. "Hermione White and you all are?"

"You seem to already know," stated James.

"Well you see about that.. Huh… ah Which way to Headmaster Dumbledore's office?" Sirius' mood dipped, "Answer the question. How do you know us, and why are we supposedly dead?"

"Where's Dumbledore?" Hermione steeled herself. "James!" He hands her the bottle, Sirius and her both take a shot. Sirius hands it back.

"I asked first!" Sirius growled.

"Just tell me where he is!"

"Who the bloody hell do you think you are demanding Dumbledore! James!" They both take a swig. Handing it back, James sneaks a shot.

"WHERE IN MERLIN'S PANTS IS DUMBLEDORE!"

"I'll tell you one thing he's not _in _Merlin's pants… at the moment." smirked Sirius.

"Maybe in his robes but not his pants… yet." James piped in.

"Shut up, James!" the pair screamed at him. They stood toe to toe. James hands the bottle to Sirius who sips and offers it to Hermione. She takes a long pull before handing it back.

"Answer me."

"Oh Bloody F-ing Hell! Sod it!" She yelled in frustration before storming away.

A pale Lily quietly whispered, "What has she got against Master Merlin?" Sirius eyes still glue to running sexy spit-fire started laughing.

"Hopefully nothing!" Before starting down the hallway. The other boys chuckled at the double meaning.

Lily just stared starting to catch flies in her mouth, "Really, after all that and her swearing and yelling and her slapping you! You still like her?!"

"Of course, She's my kind of woman." Laughed Sirius starting to sprint down the hall. Remus whispers to James, "Yeah, drunk."

Just before he turned the same corner the new girl had he called back, "I may even marry that girl one day!"


	2. Epilogue

Epilogue -

Hermione sits in a large manor, three years later.

_She destroyed every horcrux and Voldemort before her first birthday in the past. She then spent her 7th year with the Marauders, even fell in love with one. So a month out of school Lily and Hermione had a double wedding with their husbands James and Sirius, respectively. Over her months of searching for the horcruxes, Voldemort and Harry, she realized she didn't truly love Harry as a girlfriend should. Then after the six months of dating and four months of engagement to Sirius, she realize her true place._

_She did finally find Harry, still in his panther form. The scar shape white mark on his forehead her only hint. By then he had mostly lost his mind, he was a panther inside and out. She brought him back to England, to the London Zoo, to keep an eye on him. On his birthday, July 31, 1980 at 07:31am the panther disappeared right as Lily gave birth to her son, Harry James Potter, two miles away._

Looking around the room Hermione spots so many memories in the pictures on the mantel, on the walls and tables. The day she 'found out' Remus was a werewolf, first Christmas with Sirius and the gang, telling them her secret future life, the day Sirius proposed with Hogwarts help(What a day!). Then there was her wedding day and Harry birthday, not to mention...

"Ahhh! No Da No Bahhh!" a raven-haired boy squealed running butt naked down the stairs, followed by his equally naked twin sister.

Not to mention her children births. Hermione smiled to herself as the two mini marauders reached the bottom . Assuming her mom face she turned to face the trouble makers.

"Ronald! Veronica! Quietly march yourselves back up those stairs to your father and take your bath like good children." She fiercely whispered. The two, two year olds quietly retreated back up the stairs to their drenched father.

Hermione had to hold back a giggle. They were so like their father and the Weasley twins. Poor Minerva if those four ever got together, which was likely since they were born only four days after the Weasley twins.

Looking down at the bundle in her arm, she smiled. A small fist appeared from the folds. Only three months old and he had captured her heart... Again.

"Well I did it Harry but I lost you. Even with the consequences, I'm giving you the life you dreamed of and deserve... Oh and when you grow up and meet the real Hermione Granger, remember she's worth the trouble."

She turns slightly hearing Sirius descend the stairs. Jumping over the jump he lands and gently with his head in her lap. His wife scowls at him for a second before turning her attention back to the baby. Smirking the former playboy closes his eyes.

"I think I got them down for the night... Hopefully Ron and Ronnie will stay asleep this time. Want me to take Harry up?"

"No, Lily and James should be here soon. Auror Halloween party's don't last very long."

Opening his eyes and siting himself upright next to Hermione, he said, "You know he won't be the same man you once knew."

"I know and in someways that's a good thing" she smiled. Getting up Sirius walks into the kitchen. Hermione cuddles the babbling infant. Suddenly goo splashes against hermione's green sweater.

"Oh Harry!" She exclaims in disgust, siphoning away the spit. "What did I ever see in you?" Baby Harry just giggled.

_He did grow into a different man from the one Hermione once knew but that was okay considering the alternative. And when he stood up and married his Hogwarts sweetheart, his true love, Hermione cried happy tears knowing her job was done. Her battle was won. And the war was truly over._


End file.
